ASK… LISTEN… AND LISTEN DEEPER

ASK….
Ask your child to make a list of all the things she wants to know more about. You may be very surprised. Follow through on this information and provider her with materials, books, teachers if appropriate, and opportunities to explore her interests. Encouraging your child’s natural inquisitiveness about all things nourishes her soul.

LISTEN…
Often a child will talk to a neighbor or friend instead of directly to you. Are there enough of these removed listeners in your child’s life? Can you be a receiving adult for a child other than your own?

LISTEN DEEPER…
Perhaps you are open and available to listen to your child but feel there is more that you need to know. Try talking directly to your child’s soul, guardian angel, or spirit. Get quiet and mentally ask if there is something you need to be aware of. You can ask for a picture or message that will help you parent in a deeper way. Listen to the thoughts that come.

PARENTS’ INSIGHT-BUILDING EXERCISE

Think of a time when you were heard as a child.

- Who listened?
- How did it feel to be heard?
- What did you say that was acknowledged?
- How does that experience live with you today?

Now think back to a time when you were there to listen to your child.

- What was that like?
- Why were you available to listen? Had you made time? Was your child demanding you stop and listen?
- What did you hear?
- How did your child react when you listened?

Ask for guidance this week on how to best hear your children’s needs. Ask for divine insight into ways you can help give your child’s feelings a voice.

Now let go and remain open to receiving insight and guidance. Listen to the subtle ways your inner wisdom is revealed.

Trust your ideas and insights; YOU are wise.

*Mimi Doe is the founder of Spiritual Parenting.com and the award-winning author of “Nurturing Your Teenager’s Soul”, “Busy But Balanced”, “10 Principles for Spiritual Parenting”, and co-author of “Don’t’ Worry Get In”. Mimi’s free newsletter, Spiritual Parenting, has more than 30m000 subscribers from around the world. Sign up on the website: www.SpiritualParenting.com.

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But we, as a society, rarely take children seriously the way they take *themselves* seriously. To children, *play* is serious business — channeling enormous creative energies and making huge discoveries. But to adult society, it’s “just” play, so interrupting or limiting it is not a big deal.

To children, *feelings* are extremely important, not “just” feelings.

If you want to take your child more seriously, don’t do it the conventional adult way, which is to assign *weight* to the child’s concerns. That only teaches heaviness.

Children take *lightness* seriously. And when you take their lightness seriously, *you* benefit by learning to take yourself *less* seriously!

http://dailygroove.net/seriously Feel free to forward this message to your friends!
(Please include this paragraph and everything above.)
Copyright (c) 2007 by Scott Noelle

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Soulful Fathering

1. Listen to your heart when you are with your kids. Go with what feels right, not what your dad might have done or what you think fathers are supposed to do. You are the perfect match for your child. You can’t make a mistake when you follow your intuitive guidance.

2. Share your hobbies with your kids.

3. Select one day a month or year to spend one-on-one time with each child. Mark the dates in your calendar. Let your child decide what the day’s events will be and celebrate together!

4. Listen to your son or daughter. Playing catch is a wonderful time for listening.

5. Don’t forget the wonderful habit of note writing. Leave some unexpected words of encouragement in a book, under a pillow, via E-mail. If you travel, begin a postcard tradition. Send your child a postcard from each trip you take.

6. Learn something new with your children.

7. Is there a way you might make some chore a ritual your child looks forward to participating in with you? Maybe you wash the windows every spring and then have an annual water fight.

9. Share your goals with your kids. Let them know how you have achieved a dream and help them come up with an action plan to achieve their own goals.

10. Don’t forget the five “Ps” of fathering: Patience, Pure Love, Playfulness, Participation, Persistence.

11. Remember, no one on their death bed ever said they wished they’d spent more time at the office.

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Every parent would happily give up ever scolding, punishing or threatening if she only knew how to ensure that her toddler/child/teen would thrive and act responsibly without such painful measures. Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves by Naomi Aldort is the answer to this universal wish. It is not about gentle ways to control a child, but about a way of being and of understanding a child so she/he can be the best of herself, not because she fears you, but because she wants to…(more…)

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Myla & Jon Kabat-Zinn are parents to three grown children. Jon is the founder and director of the Stress Reduction Clinic and is the author of Wherever You Go, There You Are (another book I highly recommend).

So what exactly is mindful parenting?

Jon had this to say in an interview, “Mindfulness, which lies at the heart of Buddhist meditation, means moment-to-moment, non-judgmental awareness. It’s cultivated by refining our capacity to pay attention, intentionally, in the present moment, and then sustaining that attention over time. It means becoming more in touch with our life as it is unfolding.

Parenting through mindfulness has the potential to penetrate past surface appearances and behaviors and allow us to see our children as they truly are, so we can act with some degree of wisdom and compassion. The more we are able to keep in mind the intrinsic wholeness and beauty of our children especially when it’s difficult to see the more our ability to be mindful deepens”

In the back of the book, they list 12 exercises for mindful parenting. The two that have helped me change my perspective the most are: “Try to imagine the world from your child’s point of view, purposefully letting go of your own. Do this everyday for at least a few moments to remind you of who this child is and what he or she faces in the world.” The other one that helps keep my focus is “Imagine how you appear and sound from your child’s point of view, i.e., having you as a parent today, in this moment. How might this modify how you carry yourself in your body and in space, how you speak, what you say. How do you want to relate to your child in this moment”?

I use these as tools with my three children and it allows me to see past their behavior. It helps when I’m getting angry and feel like yelling, to see myself, as they see me. Facing that and looking at it honestly, can be scary sometimes but putting yourself in your child’s place, will show you the world in a whole new way.

This insightful book approaches parenting from a Zen Buddhist position, but will benefit anyone who wishes to learn and maintain gentle/mindful parenting methods, regardless of religious beliefs. If you’re looking for a typical “kids versus parents” book, this is not one of them. Borrow it from the library and I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

If you’re interested in purchasing this beautiful book, please click above to be taken to amazon.com’s secured server. Thanks!

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50 Ways to Bring Out Your Child’s Best
Written by Thomas Armstrong, Ph.D.

1. Let your child discover her own interests. Pay attention the activities she chooses. This free-time play can say a lot about where her gifts lie.

2. Expose your child to a broad spectrum of experiences. They may activate latent talents. Don’t assume that he isn’t gifted in an area because he hasn’t shown an interest.

3. Give your child permission to make mistakes. If she has to do things perfectly, she’ll never take the risks necessary to discover and develop a gift.

4. Ask questions. Help your child open up to he wonders of the world by asking intriguing questions: Why is the sky blue? Find the answers together.

5. Plan special family projects. Shared creativity can awaken and develop new talents.

6. Don’t pressure your child to learn. If children are sent to special lessons every day in the hope of developing their gifts, they may become too stressed or exhausted to shine. Encourage, but don’t push.

7. Have high expectations. But make them realistic.

8. Share your work life. Expose your child to images of success by taking him to work. Let him see you engaged in meaningful activities and allow him to become involved.

9. Provide a sensory-rich environment. Have materials around the home that will stimulate the senses: finger paints, percussion instruments, and puppets.

10. Keep your own passion for learning alive. Your child will be influenced by your example.

11. Don’t limit your child with labels. They may saddle her with a reputation that doesn’t match her inner gifts.

12. Play games together as a family.

13. Have a regular family time for reading, listening to music, talking.

14. Have reference materials available to give your child access to the world.

15. Allow your child to participate in community activities that interest her.

16. Use humor, jokes, silly stories to encourage creativity.

17. Don’t criticize or judge the things your child does. He may give up on his talents if he feels evaluated.

18. Play with your child to show your own sense of playfulness.

19. Share your successes as a family. Talk about good things that happened during the day to enhance self-esteem.

20. Provide your child with access to a home, school or public library computer.

21. Listen to your child. The things he cares about most may provide clues to his special talents.

22. Give your child a special space at home to be creative.

23. Praise your child’s sense of responsibility at home when she completes assigned chores.

24. Visit new places as a family.

25. Give your child open-ended playthings. Toys like blocks and puppets encourage imaginative play.

26. Give your child unstructured time to simply daydream and wonder.

27. Share inspirational stories of people who succeeded in life.

28. Don’t bribe your child with rewards. Using incentives to get children to perform sends a message that learning is not rewarding in its own right

29. Suggest that your child join peer groups that focus on her gifts.

30. Discuss the news to spark interests.

31. Discourage gender bias. Expose your child to both feminine and masculine toys and activities.

32. Avoid comparing your child to others. Help your child compare himself to his own past performance.

33. Be an authoritative parent.

34. Use community events and institutions to activate interests. Take trips to the library, museums, concerts, plays.

35. Give presents that nourish your child’s strengths.

36. Encourage your child to think about her future. Support her visions without directing her into any specific field.

37. Introduce your child to interesting and capable people.

38. Think of your home as a learning place. The kitchen is great for teaching math and science through cooking.

39. Share feelings. A child’s gifts can be stifled by repressed emotions.

40. Encourage your child to read.

41. Honor your child’s creations.

42. Do things with your child in his areas of interest.

43. Teach your child to trust her intuition and believe in her capabilities.

44. Give your child choices. It builds willpower and fuels initiative.

45. Show your child how to use books to further an interest. For example, “how to” books for the “hands-on” learner.

46. Set aside an area of the house for displaying creations and awards.

47. Encourage your child to tackle areas that are difficult for him. Help him learn to confront any limitations.

48. Be a liaison between your child’s special talents and the real world. Help her find outlets for her talents.

49. Introduce children’s literature that honors and develops gifts. Books like the Little Engine That could encourage a “can do” attitude.

50. Accept your child as he or she is.

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Naomi does not teach parents how to “get kids to be/do…” but rather how to be with children so that they are free to be their own magnificent selves. Parents say that what they get out of Naomi’s work is much more than help in parenting – they get self-realization, which frees them to see the child with clarity and wisdom.

Naomi’s Declaration of Complete Confidence in Children:
** Children respond best to modeling and leadership, not control.
** Trust… and wait.
** Choose between your momentary convenience and your long-term goal for your child’s sense of self.
** Enjoy your child for who he is, not for who you would like him to be – he will never be this age again.
** Distinguish between your emotional needs and what your child feels and needs. Act toward your child in harmony with her needs; take care of your emotional needs elsewhere.
** Celebrate your child’s uniqueness as well as your own.

You can sign up for Naomi Aldort’s free newsletter and read some of her parenting articles on her site.

I especially love her views on institutionalized schooling;

School, Learning and Self-Esteem:

When children are represented as empty and ignorant vessels, adults brace themselves for making adults out of them. This means that they must go against the child’s inclinations and coerce him to be whoever the adult want him to be through training and teaching that is imposed and controlled by the adult.

In order to make children into the image of adults we want them to be, our society created institutions that children must go to against their will or through coercion of their will. Children who want to go to school have so totally lost their inner connection that they believe that what they want comes from inside. It doesn’t. What feels good to them is pleasing and fitting in because they have been trained to look outside and not inside.

In order to train a child to accept constant instructions and loss of freedom, society starts at birth, taking the baby away from mother, using cribs, strollers and nannies instead of constant body contact with mother and fathers. The separation continues by taking the child away from mother and from home as early as possible to daycare, preschool and kindergarten. Separating a child from its primal connection strips her of her power.

Being away from his power source, mother, the child is helpless and disconnected; she will do whatever she is told just to gain acceptance and love. She becomes needy of approval to make up for the deep pain and longing for that primal connection. In this way, the powers that see the child as material to be molded get to prove themselves right, not because it is true, but because our ways with children. The child does becomes either pliable and compliant and needing authority, or he confused, aggressive or depressed. Being forced to learn against their will, even motivation vanishes.

I am reminded of Albert Einstein’s famous words, “It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.” Indeed, some humans jump back on their feet and recover from childhood within five to twenty years. On the other hand, more often than not, people don’t recover and the culture of successful players of a game not their own gives birth to depression, aggression, dissatisfaction, addictions, food disorder and suffering.

The most extreme aspect of this way of seeing children is drugging them, which is often recommended and even enforced by the school. When a child doesn’t fit the representation he gets either a special fixing program or drugs, or both.

It is lucky that we didn’t have these toxic drugs earlier in the 20th century; Einstein was thrown out of school in Germany, and Edison’s mother was told that he is a dunce and wisely pulled him out of school. Many other leaders escaped the tyranny of school. Today, there is no way to count haw many great minds are dumbed down or drugged out or their wisdom.

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I’ve found this to be true sometimes, not so much from family but from friends and people that we meet while out and about. I’d like to share the reply I posted on the e-mail group. It was written with my daughter Jacqueline in mind. (note: This post was originally written in 2007 when Jacqueline was 9 years old.)

Dear Friend,

Please don’t talk down to Jacqueline when you speak with her. Your eyes may see only a young child, but I see a person who is interesting and knowledgeable in many areas. If you give her half a chance you may learn something that you didn’t know before you met her.

Ask her what she’s interested in and she’ll tell you all about the Mars Odyssey satellite. Ask her what she did today and she’ll tell you how she fixed her grandmothers VCR…after her daddy called her to ask for help. Talk a bit longer and she’ll tell you the Barbie story she wrote, and what her next story is going to be about.

Ask her about her life and she’ll tell you that she’s a four year Girl Scout, that she met an astronaut at the Kennedy Space Center and that she has her own plant at her grandmothers house (which is next door) that she waters every other day.

Also, if you’re going to ask her why she’s not in school, be prepared for her to tell you she dropped out in the first grade. She has her daddy’s sense of humor. Don’t look shocked. Laugh instead. She’s being funny.

Speak to her like a human being and she’ll speak to you the same way.

Sincerely,
Jacqueline’s mommy.

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Nurturing Your Teenagers Soul:
A Practical Guide to Raising a Kind, Honorable, Compassionate Teen
by Mimi Doe

At a time when teens face overwhelming issues-the hazards of substance abuse, issues of sexuality, the stress of high school, the importance of getting into a good college-it’s no wonder that these years often become a battleground for parents and teens. With all of these concerns pressing in on families, a teenager’s spirituality is often completely overlooked, when it has the ability to alleviate these issues as well as bring teens and parents closer together. And, as award-winning author Mimi Doe explains in NURTURING YOUR TEENAGER’S SOUL: A Practical Guide to Raising a Kind, Honorable and Compassionate Teen, talking to a teen about his or her spirituality need not be intimidating, difficult, or even cause for argument. Doe gives parents all the resources they need to raise safe, happy, and successful adults who remain in touch with their spiritual selves.

“Mimi Doe is the juxtaposition of great guest and informed source. Her presence and media savvy are uncommon. Whether the interview is five minutes or an hour, Mimi has the capacity to be authentic and informational at the same time. Her clear understanding of time and space make her a true professional. Not only would I recommend her as a guest, you’d be foolish not to have her on your program.”
–Tony Trupiano, Talk America

In NURTURING YOUR TEENAGER’S SOUL, Doe presents 10 concrete, engaging, and inspiring principles to help parents find new ways to honor and encourage their child’s individual spiritual perspective. Doe uses a non-denominational approach to show rents how to nurture their teen’s spirituality and provide adolescents with a moral compass. At a time when teenagers are ungry for pirituality and are actively searching for a connection to a source greater than themselves, adults often just assume that teens are rebellious and acting out when what they are actually doing is launching a spiritual quest that involves two undamentalquestions: “Who am I?” and “Where do I fit in?” The book explains how to:

*Listen fully and connect with your teen
*Nurture your teenager’s dreams-and make miracles happen
*Negotiate the balance between being a pal and being a parent
*Support your adolescent in becoming a successful adult

NURTURING YOUR TEENAGER’S SOUL will help parents understand the positive power of spirituality in their teens’ lives, as well as give them practical guidance for raising teenagers who achieve their full potential.

About the Author

Mimi Doe, award-winning author of Busy but Balanced and 10 Principles for Spiritual Parenting, was the recipient of the Parent’s Choice Approved Seal and a Books for a Better Life Award Finalist. Founder of SpiritualParenting.com, she publishes the site’s ewsletter with 50,000 subscribers from around the world. Doe was called a “parenting guru” by Ladies Home Journal and has ppeared on Oprah. She appears weekly on New Morning on the Hallmark Channel. Doe holds a Master’s Degree in Education rom Harvard and is the mother of two teenagers.

ADVANCE PRAISE:

“…Drawing from her 10 Principles for Spiritual Parenting, she (Mimi Doe) offers parents ten inspiring principles to encourage their teenagers’ spiritual development, e.g., “Words can profoundly change lives,” “Remain flexibly firm,” and “Let go and trust.” These straightforward themes are expanded in chapters that contain poignant anecdotes and comments from parents nd kids. As Doe is an Oprah guest and frequent speaker, her new work is sure to be requested.”
–Library Journal

“Yet again a talented writer helps all of us to consider ways of encouraging our young people morally and spiritually and does so in a wonderfully thoughtful, accessible way! A great gift to us readers!”
–Robert Coles, Author of The Spiritual Lives of Children

“In all the interviews I’ve done, Mimi Doe is the one who left me most at peace with my life. She has a way of talking that soothes and relaxes you, and makes you feel like you’re succeeding at raising your children well. I look forward to my next interview with Mimi as I know I will come away refreshed and energized”
–Susan Sierra
Producer, Host
Parent Talk Radio Show

“Mimi Doe writes beautiful, practical books, and NURTURING YOUR TEENAGER’S SOUL is perhaps her best. Filled with insights and great advice, this book helps us both reclaim our teens and let them flourish with purpose and dignity.”
–Michael Gurian, Author of The Wonder of Boys and The Wonder of Girls

“Every parent who wants to help their teen navigate these tumultuous years with a sense of self, family, and community should read this book. Mimi Doe provides practical, real guidance for parents to tap into their own spiritual strength and in turn help their adolescents achieve their full potential.”
–Judith Orloff, M.D. Author of Positive Energy and Intuitive Healing

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Although some kids might think an all day video-game, cookie eating, bath-free world would be fabulous, as a parent we know that would lead to illness in the short term, obesity in the long term. Obviously that’s an extreme example, but it makes the point.

Here are two of the replies and as usual, Pam’s response was wonderful.

Mary Gold: It seems like you’re assuming that this is the choice most children would make if given the chance. What people here are saying is that we’ve found that not to be true. Our children were given the freedom to regulate their eating, sleeping and interests. What we’ve found is that kids with choices do not automatically choose the worst possible option. Sure sometimes there’s a cookie for breakfast or a skipped bath or three, but more times there are good choices and a healthy, happy kid.

Pamela Sorooshian: I wanted to emphasize Mary’s point here – because we see this assumption made over and over – that kids will choose what is not good for them and, therefore, a parent’s job is to set limits to make sure they do what is good for them. Well, yes, just like adults, kids WILL sometimes choose what is not good for them. Do WE always do what we know is good for us?

Why shouldn’t parents control their children’s lives, making sure they only do what the parents think is “good for them?”

It is because the “choosing” is really important in the child’s psychological development, both individually, to move toward self-actualization in his/her own life, and socially, to function as a valuable member of a democratic society. And if a person can’t make “real” choices, then his/her so-called freedom is not real. It is a delusion to believe you are free, if your choices are limited to those that someone else has determined are healthy for you.

We see too many people, these days, willing to give up their own freedoms, in exchange for protection or security or even just for convenience. A society composed of compliant people is orderly, and, for some, reassuring and comforting – this is the allure of a dictator! Independence and liberty are messy and risky. This is as true within a family as it is for society as a whole.

Many parenting books talk about offering children limited choices, such as asking: “Do you want the red shirt or the blue shirt today?” The point of these “choices” is not to give real choice, but to fake the kid out – to give the child the illusion of having a choice. This is done for the convenience of the parent whose motivation is to get the child dressed quickly, usually in order to more efficiently get out the door to school or daycare. But this kind of control over children’s lives, carried on throughout childhood at home and at school, often leads to dangerous levels of passivity and apathy, unengaged teenagers who don’t think for themselves and are too easily led by others, or to passive resistance or even active rebellion, which we see in teenagers who flaunt their rejection of all authority and engage in dangerous antisocial behaviors. Unschoolers are striving for something different – our goal is raising truly free children who will grow up to insist on thinking for themselves and will never be easily controlled by others. Unschoolers around the world are demonstrating that parents and kids, together, can, in fact, set up a home environment that supports true freedom and provides MANY options – real choices, not “fake” ones.

Unschooling parents do not abdicate parental responsibility, they do not deprive their children of their protection and care, but they do go far beyond most parents, now or historically, in choosing support of freedom over parental control and convenience, as they offer real choices in an environment that does not focus on limiting a child’s options, but provides nearly boundless opportunity. A friend of mine once said that unschooling can feel a lot like jumping off a cliff, not knowing if you have wings to fly. And I think it can look just about that foolish, from outside, too! But there are unschooled kids soaring all over the place, these days, and all we have to do is look at them, look at their energy and love of life and learning, watch as they pursue their dreams with confidence and gusto, to know that John Holt was right when he said, “Children do not need to be made to learn to be better, told what to do or shown how. If they are given access to enough of the world, they will see clearly enough what things are truly important to themselves and to others, and they will make for themselves a better path into that world than anyone else could make for them.” (John Holt in “How Children Fail“)

**originally posted in 2007**

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