An Unschooling Life » natural parenting

Trusting Your Child

Joanne — Wed, 07 Sep 2011 05:13:00 +0000

Natural Parenting: Trusting your child
by Ela Forest

It is natural to have fear for our children’s well-being, but there is no reason not to trust children to know their own limits. Everybody knows their limits much better than those around them.

I know exactly how high I can jump, to what shelf I can reach or how big a hammer I can handle, and I don’t put myself in danger. The same goes for children, if we let them.

Learning from the developing nations:

Children in developing nations are usually given tools to help in family chores. Throughout rural Asia I saw small children, even as young as three-years-old, carrying a machete around with them, and participating with their older siblings in chopping bamboo.

Many times when these children observe their elders in an activity, they want to do it too. The children are allowed to watch or to participate in the work as they feel like, and there is never any fear that they might cut themselves on sharp tools.

Self confidence through trust:

Whereas in the west, when a toddler sees her caregiver working around the house and she wants to join in, fearful caregivers often respond by saying, “No, you’re too little, you can’t use a knife,” or “You can’t stir the pot, you’ll burn yourself.” This can gradually undermine the child’s self-confidence and instil fear.

Children who constantly hear the mistrust of “Don’t do that, it’s dangerous!” won’t easily learn how to judge their own limits or how to trust in their own abilities.

So many times I’ve witnessed a child happily climbing up stairs and then the mother rushes over shouting, “Get down from there! You’ll fall!” Sometimes the child readily obliges by falling.

Children whose parents show complete confidence in their children’s abilities will in turn have confidence in their own abilities. They rarely fall, and when they do, they pick themselves up, and start again.

Letting children find their own limits:

I have always let my daughter, Sequoia, find her own limits, even when it means swallowing my fear as she climbs high in the playground. When she takes a knife to help me cut vegetables, I know that she understands that the knife can be sharp. In fact, though Sequoia uses knives almost every day, she has never cut herself, while I manage to cut myself all the time!

It’s okay to remind children to look out for themselves, that the pot is hot, that they need to hold on tight, to stop and look both ways, but it’s important to let them be responsible for themselves. Children who are allowed to find their own limits will know their limits, and they always ask for help when they find themselves reaching those limits.

Teaching boundaries without fear tactics:

Of course children need to have limits and clear boundaries set for them, such as “We don’t run on the road” and “We only cross when the light is green,” but there is no need to teach children these boundaries by using fear tactics.

The three-year-old of one of my clients was told by a well-meaning grandmother that he must always hold hands on the street “or else all the big cars would run him over.”

Overnight he changed from being a confident boy, who knew the “road rules” and was happy to hold his caregiver’s hand when crossing the road into a fearful wreck.

He became afraid of walking outside, even on the footpath. Every time a car passed, he would scream in terror, break away from his caregiver and run blindly, often falling over and hurting himself, and he would then explain that he got his bruises and scrapes from “the big cars that ran me over.”

Responding to falls:

Likewise, there are parents who, when the child falls or bumps herself, rush over crying, “Oh you poor baby, you hurt yourself, let me pick you up!” The child quickly learns to respond accordingly; by being hurt, by crying. Parents often forget to wait a second to see if the child is actually hurt before making a big fuss, and more often than not, children aren’t injured at all in most little falls and tumbles – they pick themselves right up and go on playing.

A caregiver who doesn’t react loudly to every little fall, bruise and bump will actually encourage a child who has fallen down not to cry. And if a child should cry, it is a natural signal of genuine pain or shock and usually all they need is a little comfort and a kiss better.

Letting the child lead:

It is very important to react only to the child’s signals and not to our own fearful responses. It’s easy to know what a child needs because they will let their caregivers know, even if the child isn’t yet talking.

If a child needs a ‘kiss better’ they will whimper and hold out the injured hand or knee, and if she really needs comfort, she will cry. The best way to help a child who is genuinely hurt, or in need of comfort is to hold the child and let her cry. Let her know that you understand that she feels pain, and that it’s okay for her to feel that.

Telling a child, “Stop crying, it doesn’t hurt, it’s just a little bump,” contradicts the child’s feelings, and makes it difficult for children to learn to deal with their feelings. Just follow the child’s natural signals with love and trust them when they show that they do or don’t need help.

Tags: attachment parenting, Mindful Parenting, natural parenting, radical unschooling, Trusting

Meeting Your Child’s Needs

Joanne — Sun, 28 Aug 2011 05:22:42 +0000

Someone shared Jan Hunt‘s gardener metaphor on an unschooling list a while back and I wanted to share it here for anyone who may not have read it. It’s message is meeting your child’s underlying needs with patience and trust.

“Imagine for a moment that you are visiting a plant nursery. You hear a commotion outside, so you investigate. You find a young assistant struggling with a rose bush. He is trying to force open the petals of a rose, and muttering in frustration. You ask him what he is doing, and he explains, “My boss wants all these roses to bloom this week, so
last week I taped all the early ones, and now I’m opening the late ones.”

You protest that every rose has it’s own schedule of blooming; it is absurd to try to slow down or speed this up; it doesn’t matter when roses bloom; a rose will always bloom at its own best time. You look at the rose again, and see that it is wilting. But when you point this out, he replies, “Oh, too bad, it has genetic dysbloomia. I’ll
have to call an expert.”

“No, no!” you say, “you caused the wilting! All you needed to do was meet the flowers’ needs for water and
sunshine, and leave the rest to nature!” You can’t believe this is happening. Why is his boss so unrealistic and uninformed about roses?

Yet children are no different than roses in their development: they are born with the capacity and desire to learn, they learn at different rates, and they learn in different ways. If we can meet their needs, provide a safe, nurturing environment, and keep from interfering with our doubts, anxieties, and arbitrary timetables, then- like roses- they will all bloom at their own best time.”

I believe that the development of empathy, peaceful problem-solving/signaling of needs, and connecting the dots between Action and Impact on others are just as naturally learned as speaking, and that all can be learned according to the child’s timetable, as long as they are learning from that place of nurturing, emphatic connection. The path of learning is, imo, what it means to be human. Imperfect, but ever growing.

Tags: jan hunt, learning, natural parenting, parenting advice, peaceful parenting, philosophy of learning

Taking Children Seriously

Joanne — Sun, 14 Feb 2010 04:31:00 +0000

THE DAILY GROOVE ~ by Scott Noelle
:: Taking Children Seriously ::
We live in a society that doesn’t take children seriously. Sure, we care deeply about children’s welfare; we do our best to help them to grow into healthy, successful adults.

But we, as a society, rarely take children seriously the way they take *themselves* seriously. To children, *play* is serious business — channeling enormous creative energies and making huge discoveries. But to adult society, it’s “just” play, so interrupting or limiting it is not a big deal.

To children, *feelings* are extremely important, not “just” feelings.

If you want to take your child more seriously, don’t do it the conventional adult way, which is to assign *weight* to the child’s concerns. That only teaches heaviness.

Children take *lightness* seriously. And when you take their lightness seriously, *you* benefit by learning to take yourself *less* seriously!

http://dailygroove.net/seriously Feel free to forward this message to your friends!
(Please include this paragraph and everything above.)
Copyright (c) 2007 by Scott Noelle

Tags: Children, learning, Mindful Parenting, natural parenting, parents, Scott Noelle

Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves

Joanne — Sat, 05 Sep 2009 21:26:27 +0000

Every parent would happily give up ever scolding, punishing or threatening if she only knew how to ensure that her toddler/child/teen would thrive and act responsibly without such painful measures. Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves by Naomi Aldort is the answer to this universal wish. It is not about gentle ways to control a child, but about a way of being and of understanding a child so she/he can be the best of herself, not because she fears you, but because she wants to…(more…)

Tags: freedom, joy, limits and rules, Mindful Parenting, naomi aldort, natural parenting, parents

Naomi Aldort

Joanne — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 06:32:00 +0000

When we (here at this blog or on the unschooling lists) discuss extending the principles of unschooling into other area’s of our lives with our children, Naomi Aldort’s message is very helpful.

Naomi does not teach parents how to “get kids to be/do…” but rather how to be with children so that they are free to be their own magnificent selves. Parents say that what they get out of Naomi’s work is much more than help in parenting – they get self-realization, which frees them to see the child with clarity and wisdom.

Naomi’s Declaration of Complete Confidence in Children:
** Children respond best to modeling and leadership, not control.
** Trust… and wait.
** Choose between your momentary convenience and your long-term goal for your child’s sense of self.
** Enjoy your child for who he is, not for who you would like him to be – he will never be this age again.
** Distinguish between your emotional needs and what your child feels and needs. Act toward your child in harmony with her needs; take care of your emotional needs elsewhere.
** Celebrate your child’s uniqueness as well as your own.

You can sign up for Naomi Aldort’s free newsletter and read some of her parenting articles on her site.

I especially love her views on institutionalized schooling;

School, Learning and Self-Esteem:

When children are represented as empty and ignorant vessels, adults brace themselves for making adults out of them. This means that they must go against the child’s inclinations and coerce him to be whoever the adult want him to be through training and teaching that is imposed and controlled by the adult.

In order to make children into the image of adults we want them to be, our society created institutions that children must go to against their will or through coercion of their will. Children who want to go to school have so totally lost their inner connection that they believe that what they want comes from inside. It doesn’t. What feels good to them is pleasing and fitting in because they have been trained to look outside and not inside.

In order to train a child to accept constant instructions and loss of freedom, society starts at birth, taking the baby away from mother, using cribs, strollers and nannies instead of constant body contact with mother and fathers. The separation continues by taking the child away from mother and from home as early as possible to daycare, preschool and kindergarten. Separating a child from its primal connection strips her of her power.

Being away from his power source, mother, the child is helpless and disconnected; she will do whatever she is told just to gain acceptance and love. She becomes needy of approval to make up for the deep pain and longing for that primal connection. In this way, the powers that see the child as material to be molded get to prove themselves right, not because it is true, but because our ways with children. The child does becomes either pliable and compliant and needing authority, or he confused, aggressive or depressed. Being forced to learn against their will, even motivation vanishes.

I am reminded of Albert Einstein’s famous words, “It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.” Indeed, some humans jump back on their feet and recover from childhood within five to twenty years. On the other hand, more often than not, people don’t recover and the culture of successful players of a game not their own gives birth to depression, aggression, dissatisfaction, addictions, food disorder and suffering.

The most extreme aspect of this way of seeing children is drugging them, which is often recommended and even enforced by the school. When a child doesn’t fit the representation he gets either a special fixing program or drugs, or both.

It is lucky that we didn’t have these toxic drugs earlier in the 20th century; Einstein was thrown out of school in Germany, and Edison’s mother was told that he is a dunce and wisely pulled him out of school. Many other leaders escaped the tyranny of school. Today, there is no way to count haw many great minds are dumbed down or drugged out or their wisdom.

Tags: freedom, learning, limits and rules, Mindful Parenting, naomi aldort, natural parenting, parenting quotes

Nurturing Your Teenager’s Soul

Joanne — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 14:15:24 +0000

10 clear and practical principles for giving teens a much-needed moral and spiritual compass:

Nurturing Your Teenagers Soul:
A Practical Guide to Raising a Kind, Honorable, Compassionate Teen
by Mimi Doe

At a time when teens face overwhelming issues-the hazards of substance abuse, issues of sexuality, the stress of high school, the importance of getting into a good college-it’s no wonder that these years often become a battleground for parents and teens. With all of these concerns pressing in on families, a teenager’s spirituality is often completely overlooked, when it has the ability to alleviate these issues as well as bring teens and parents closer together. And, as award-winning author Mimi Doe explains in NURTURING YOUR TEENAGER’S SOUL: A Practical Guide to Raising a Kind, Honorable and Compassionate Teen, talking to a teen about his or her spirituality need not be intimidating, difficult, or even cause for argument. Doe gives parents all the resources they need to raise safe, happy, and successful adults who remain in touch with their spiritual selves.

“Mimi Doe is the juxtaposition of great guest and informed source. Her presence and media savvy are uncommon. Whether the interview is five minutes or an hour, Mimi has the capacity to be authentic and informational at the same time. Her clear understanding of time and space make her a true professional. Not only would I recommend her as a guest, you’d be foolish not to have her on your program.”
–Tony Trupiano, Talk America

In NURTURING YOUR TEENAGER’S SOUL, Doe presents 10 concrete, engaging, and inspiring principles to help parents find new ways to honor and encourage their child’s individual spiritual perspective. Doe uses a non-denominational approach to show rents how to nurture their teen’s spirituality and provide adolescents with a moral compass. At a time when teenagers are ungry for pirituality and are actively searching for a connection to a source greater than themselves, adults often just assume that teens are rebellious and acting out when what they are actually doing is launching a spiritual quest that involves two undamentalquestions: “Who am I?” and “Where do I fit in?” The book explains how to:

*Listen fully and connect with your teen
*Nurture your teenager’s dreams-and make miracles happen
*Negotiate the balance between being a pal and being a parent
*Support your adolescent in becoming a successful adult

NURTURING YOUR TEENAGER’S SOUL will help parents understand the positive power of spirituality in their teens’ lives, as well as give them practical guidance for raising teenagers who achieve their full potential.

About the Author

Mimi Doe, award-winning author of Busy but Balanced and 10 Principles for Spiritual Parenting, was the recipient of the Parent’s Choice Approved Seal and a Books for a Better Life Award Finalist. Founder of SpiritualParenting.com, she publishes the site’s ewsletter with 50,000 subscribers from around the world. Doe was called a “parenting guru” by Ladies Home Journal and has ppeared on Oprah. She appears weekly on New Morning on the Hallmark Channel. Doe holds a Master’s Degree in Education rom Harvard and is the mother of two teenagers.

ADVANCE PRAISE:

“…Drawing from her 10 Principles for Spiritual Parenting, she (Mimi Doe) offers parents ten inspiring principles to encourage their teenagers’ spiritual development, e.g., “Words can profoundly change lives,” “Remain flexibly firm,” and “Let go and trust.” These straightforward themes are expanded in chapters that contain poignant anecdotes and comments from parents nd kids. As Doe is an Oprah guest and frequent speaker, her new work is sure to be requested.”
–Library Journal

“Yet again a talented writer helps all of us to consider ways of encouraging our young people morally and spiritually and does so in a wonderfully thoughtful, accessible way! A great gift to us readers!”
–Robert Coles, Author of The Spiritual Lives of Children

“In all the interviews I’ve done, Mimi Doe is the one who left me most at peace with my life. She has a way of talking that soothes and relaxes you, and makes you feel like you’re succeeding at raising your children well. I look forward to my next interview with Mimi as I know I will come away refreshed and energized”
–Susan Sierra
Producer, Host
Parent Talk Radio Show

“Mimi Doe writes beautiful, practical books, and NURTURING YOUR TEENAGER’S SOUL is perhaps her best. Filled with insights and great advice, this book helps us both reclaim our teens and let them flourish with purpose and dignity.”
–Michael Gurian, Author of The Wonder of Boys and The Wonder of Girls

“Every parent who wants to help their teen navigate these tumultuous years with a sense of self, family, and community should read this book. Mimi Doe provides practical, real guidance for parents to tap into their own spiritual strength and in turn help their adolescents achieve their full potential.”
–Judith Orloff, M.D. Author of Positive Energy and Intuitive Healing

Tags: limits and rules, Mindful Parenting, natural parenting

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