Anyone who has spent any time at all exploring unschooling, likely knows there’s a variety of ways people define unschooling. The labels vary, depending on how far from mainstream methods a family has moved. Unschooling runs the gamut, from those who simply choose to let go of curriculum but keep more mainstream parenting methods, like bedtimes, chores, screen-time or content controls, all the way to people who have let go of all the traditional controls we’ve been told we must enforce to be responsible parents.

I’ve seen labels ranging from ‘academic unschooler’ to ‘radical unschoolers’ and, recently, even ‘rabid unschoolers‘ pop up in conversations about unschooling choices. My husband, Gary, has never liked the label radical unschooling, because for him the word radical connotes extremism, and he doesn’t feel we’re really extreme. When I use the word radical, I find myself feeling defensive about trying to explain why I’d want to be thought of as radical. So, over the years we’ve been unschooling I’ve looked for a phrase that better describes the way we live.

Although I’d prefer not to need a label for our methods, it seems we need some kind of phrase to explain it to those who ask. In recent months, I’ve begun to think of us as whole life unschoolers. I find it much more descriptive of who we are. What do I mean when I say we are whole life unschoolers? We don’t use a curriculum, have set bedtimes for our sons or assign chores. Our kids watch whatever they choose on tv, play video games of their choosing as often as they want, play whatever in-person games they wish, don’t have a curfew, eat what they want when they’re hungry.

What is it we DO? We trust, because we believe that it’s simply not possible to live even one day without learning something, that we will all learn all we need to live the life we want. Just as we trusted, and have seen happen, that our children would learn to read simply by living in a home where reading was natural and joyful, we know that they can also learn to sleep when their bodies need rest, to eat the foods their bodies need. Our boys learn how to be in relationship with others by sharing their lives with others, both in our home and in the larger world outside of it; we are their facilitators in finding their way, wherever we go. We answer questions on topics ranging from history, religion, health, science, nature, math and more. Sometimes the answer is “I don’t know. Let’s find out.” which leads to searching for answers, meandering conversations and sometimes unexpected discoveries. We also share our outlook on the world, and strive to provide good examples in the way we treat other people, including children.

It hasn’t always been this way. There was a time when we had limits and controls. We enforced bedtimes to fit our oldest son’s school schedule. When he was young I tried to force the ‘right’ diet, I limited tv shows (no Simpsons!); I even assigned chores. At the time I felt I had no choice but to listen to those around me, telling me what I ‘must’ do, even though in my heart I could see that it wasn’t working for us. It wasn’t just that those methods didn’t work for our children, they didn’t work for us as parents either. Imposed limits and demands make people unhappy, so of course, the same limits and demands make children unhappy. Being controlled certainly didn’t add to their happiness, and I wanted happy children. I was heartbroken at what that did to our relationship with our kids. Not only that, it made me ask why I was treating them this way, especially since I wasn’t convinced it was necessary to limit and control them.

When I found unschooling, I also found parents who had managed to create the family life I wanted; parents who weren’t frustrated by trying to control their children. They had happy children, who were kind and capable, and they had this without fighting or punishment. As I started to let go of my fears about how our boys would turn out if I ‘broke the rules’ I found we were all happier. And happier is good.

In our culture, there’s a pervasive belief that happiness will be ours someday. We grow up being told that someday we’ll be happy, when we’re adults it will be ‘our turn’ to have things our way. Why wait for that elusive someday? Why not be happy today? How can we help our children be happy today? Is it fair or loving to tell children they must wait for their turn to be happy? Why wouldn’t a parent want their child to be happy; to feel, to know deep in his soul, that he’s loved and celebrated and supported and completely free to revel in what brings him joy?

When I’m asked “Why whole-life unschooling?” my answer is because, ultimately, we can’t imagine any other way of living. It’s only natural when something brings as much joy, freedom and wonder as unschooling does, that we would want to extend that to all areas of our life.

Written by Sylvia Toyama

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Every parent would happily give up ever scolding, punishing or threatening if she only knew how to ensure that her toddler/child/teen would thrive and act responsibly without such painful measures. Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves by Naomi Aldort is the answer to this universal wish. It is not about gentle ways to control a child, but about a way of being and of understanding a child so she/he can be the best of herself, not because she fears you, but because she wants to…(more…)

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Naomi does not teach parents how to “get kids to be/do…” but rather how to be with children so that they are free to be their own magnificent selves. Parents say that what they get out of Naomi’s work is much more than help in parenting – they get self-realization, which frees them to see the child with clarity and wisdom.

Naomi’s Declaration of Complete Confidence in Children:
** Children respond best to modeling and leadership, not control.
** Trust… and wait.
** Choose between your momentary convenience and your long-term goal for your child’s sense of self.
** Enjoy your child for who he is, not for who you would like him to be – he will never be this age again.
** Distinguish between your emotional needs and what your child feels and needs. Act toward your child in harmony with her needs; take care of your emotional needs elsewhere.
** Celebrate your child’s uniqueness as well as your own.

You can sign up for Naomi Aldort’s free newsletter and read some of her parenting articles on her site.

I especially love her views on institutionalized schooling;

School, Learning and Self-Esteem:

When children are represented as empty and ignorant vessels, adults brace themselves for making adults out of them. This means that they must go against the child’s inclinations and coerce him to be whoever the adult want him to be through training and teaching that is imposed and controlled by the adult.

In order to make children into the image of adults we want them to be, our society created institutions that children must go to against their will or through coercion of their will. Children who want to go to school have so totally lost their inner connection that they believe that what they want comes from inside. It doesn’t. What feels good to them is pleasing and fitting in because they have been trained to look outside and not inside.

In order to train a child to accept constant instructions and loss of freedom, society starts at birth, taking the baby away from mother, using cribs, strollers and nannies instead of constant body contact with mother and fathers. The separation continues by taking the child away from mother and from home as early as possible to daycare, preschool and kindergarten. Separating a child from its primal connection strips her of her power.

Being away from his power source, mother, the child is helpless and disconnected; she will do whatever she is told just to gain acceptance and love. She becomes needy of approval to make up for the deep pain and longing for that primal connection. In this way, the powers that see the child as material to be molded get to prove themselves right, not because it is true, but because our ways with children. The child does becomes either pliable and compliant and needing authority, or he confused, aggressive or depressed. Being forced to learn against their will, even motivation vanishes.

I am reminded of Albert Einstein’s famous words, “It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.” Indeed, some humans jump back on their feet and recover from childhood within five to twenty years. On the other hand, more often than not, people don’t recover and the culture of successful players of a game not their own gives birth to depression, aggression, dissatisfaction, addictions, food disorder and suffering.

The most extreme aspect of this way of seeing children is drugging them, which is often recommended and even enforced by the school. When a child doesn’t fit the representation he gets either a special fixing program or drugs, or both.

It is lucky that we didn’t have these toxic drugs earlier in the 20th century; Einstein was thrown out of school in Germany, and Edison’s mother was told that he is a dunce and wisely pulled him out of school. Many other leaders escaped the tyranny of school. Today, there is no way to count haw many great minds are dumbed down or drugged out or their wisdom.

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Nurturing Your Teenagers Soul:
A Practical Guide to Raising a Kind, Honorable, Compassionate Teen
by Mimi Doe

At a time when teens face overwhelming issues-the hazards of substance abuse, issues of sexuality, the stress of high school, the importance of getting into a good college-it’s no wonder that these years often become a battleground for parents and teens. With all of these concerns pressing in on families, a teenager’s spirituality is often completely overlooked, when it has the ability to alleviate these issues as well as bring teens and parents closer together. And, as award-winning author Mimi Doe explains in NURTURING YOUR TEENAGER’S SOUL: A Practical Guide to Raising a Kind, Honorable and Compassionate Teen, talking to a teen about his or her spirituality need not be intimidating, difficult, or even cause for argument. Doe gives parents all the resources they need to raise safe, happy, and successful adults who remain in touch with their spiritual selves.

“Mimi Doe is the juxtaposition of great guest and informed source. Her presence and media savvy are uncommon. Whether the interview is five minutes or an hour, Mimi has the capacity to be authentic and informational at the same time. Her clear understanding of time and space make her a true professional. Not only would I recommend her as a guest, you’d be foolish not to have her on your program.”
–Tony Trupiano, Talk America

In NURTURING YOUR TEENAGER’S SOUL, Doe presents 10 concrete, engaging, and inspiring principles to help parents find new ways to honor and encourage their child’s individual spiritual perspective. Doe uses a non-denominational approach to show rents how to nurture their teen’s spirituality and provide adolescents with a moral compass. At a time when teenagers are ungry for pirituality and are actively searching for a connection to a source greater than themselves, adults often just assume that teens are rebellious and acting out when what they are actually doing is launching a spiritual quest that involves two undamentalquestions: “Who am I?” and “Where do I fit in?” The book explains how to:

*Listen fully and connect with your teen
*Nurture your teenager’s dreams-and make miracles happen
*Negotiate the balance between being a pal and being a parent
*Support your adolescent in becoming a successful adult

NURTURING YOUR TEENAGER’S SOUL will help parents understand the positive power of spirituality in their teens’ lives, as well as give them practical guidance for raising teenagers who achieve their full potential.

About the Author

Mimi Doe, award-winning author of Busy but Balanced and 10 Principles for Spiritual Parenting, was the recipient of the Parent’s Choice Approved Seal and a Books for a Better Life Award Finalist. Founder of SpiritualParenting.com, she publishes the site’s ewsletter with 50,000 subscribers from around the world. Doe was called a “parenting guru” by Ladies Home Journal and has ppeared on Oprah. She appears weekly on New Morning on the Hallmark Channel. Doe holds a Master’s Degree in Education rom Harvard and is the mother of two teenagers.

ADVANCE PRAISE:

“…Drawing from her 10 Principles for Spiritual Parenting, she (Mimi Doe) offers parents ten inspiring principles to encourage their teenagers’ spiritual development, e.g., “Words can profoundly change lives,” “Remain flexibly firm,” and “Let go and trust.” These straightforward themes are expanded in chapters that contain poignant anecdotes and comments from parents nd kids. As Doe is an Oprah guest and frequent speaker, her new work is sure to be requested.”
–Library Journal

“Yet again a talented writer helps all of us to consider ways of encouraging our young people morally and spiritually and does so in a wonderfully thoughtful, accessible way! A great gift to us readers!”
–Robert Coles, Author of The Spiritual Lives of Children

“In all the interviews I’ve done, Mimi Doe is the one who left me most at peace with my life. She has a way of talking that soothes and relaxes you, and makes you feel like you’re succeeding at raising your children well. I look forward to my next interview with Mimi as I know I will come away refreshed and energized”
–Susan Sierra
Producer, Host
Parent Talk Radio Show

“Mimi Doe writes beautiful, practical books, and NURTURING YOUR TEENAGER’S SOUL is perhaps her best. Filled with insights and great advice, this book helps us both reclaim our teens and let them flourish with purpose and dignity.”
–Michael Gurian, Author of The Wonder of Boys and The Wonder of Girls

“Every parent who wants to help their teen navigate these tumultuous years with a sense of self, family, and community should read this book. Mimi Doe provides practical, real guidance for parents to tap into their own spiritual strength and in turn help their adolescents achieve their full potential.”
–Judith Orloff, M.D. Author of Positive Energy and Intuitive Healing

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This is an exchange on one of the unschooling email lists I belong to and i thought it might be helpful to anyone who wanted to start loosening up their control. It’s between a new member, Ren & Joyce.

Member: If there are no limits what so ever, how do you keep your children from running out into the street? from jumping off a high building or a bridge? I’m thinking there has to be some limits? How will they learn they have to follow the rules to keep a job? or even to follow the law?

Ren: Not ONE post said “there are no limits”. What we’re advocating, is equal freedom for children that adults have. What we’re talking about is CHOICES and freedom, not no limits. LIFE has limits. Society has limits that actually make sense. If they don’t, I ignore them. Like the idea that children have to go to school to learn…that’s an idea (a limiting one) I choose to ignore.

Why would a child WANT to jump off a high building or bridge? None of my children have ever wanted to harm themselves knowingly. If they’re too little to be aware of the dangers, it’s your job to keep them safe. That’s what they’d WANT you to do if they understood the potential for harm.

You’d keep an adult safe that was unaware of dangers, right? Providing safety is a parent’s job. Nobody is saying “no limits”. We ARE saying “rid yourself of ARBITRARY limits”. Arbitrary limits are there only because an adult chooses to impose their will on a child. They don’t necessarily make sense. If a limit makes sense then by all means, impose it!!

When I’m truly exhausted, truly needing some quiet and calm, there are limits to what I can assist my children with. That’s a real limit and children are pretty understanding about that if you’re generous with them.

When one of my children chooses to ignore personal boundaries and hit or otherwise try to harm someone, I stop them. There are a load of good reasons to limit a person from doing harmful things.

Public places have limits. If my children want to scream and run up the aisles at the grocery store, making other people miserable, there will be some creative problem solving to figure out ways to avoid that problem. I wouldn’t take my child to a restaurant and expect the other patrons to put up with whatever my child felt like imposing upon them. They have a right to peace also. One persons freedom ends where another begins….we need to honor other human beings space and sanity too. That will create natural limits.

Limits for real reasons that make sense….well, make sense. It’s our job to help our children figure out how to work with, and be creative or honor those limits. Limits that are decided for the child because the parent has a set of values that aren’t very flexible, aren’t helpful. The child can’t figure out their own balance, feel what THEIR body needs and learn in their own way if the parent decides
when they’ll sleep, what they’ll eat, when they should learn certain things.

Member: I also feel that realistically in life the majority of people have limitations, things they can and can’t do on the job, in public, etc.

Joyce: Is that a reason to impose more limitations? Kids will come up against gravity, appointments, rain, rules about running in grocery stores. Life is full of limitations. We can help them learn to deal with natural limitations by helping them deal with natural limitations. We don’t need — as school does! — to create artificial problems for kids to practice on. They get to try out the real stuff (while we’re there to keep them safe from onrushing buses and out of situations they aren’t ready to handle).

Member: But I have a different take on it, especially for young children. I view them as a safety box, if you will.

Joyce: You can view limits and safety that way. But it won’t help you see how helping kids get what they want — like not get hit by a car, not getting shocked by a knife put in an outlet– is different than putting a fence around them because of what you fear will happen.

Limits say “I don’t trust you. You’re not competent enough.” For many kids that’s a challenge! They want to test themselves even against things they wouldn’t want to try. When the world is divided between what you can and can’t do, it’s natural to want to test yourself on what others believe you aren’t capable of handling.

But when the world is divided between what you enjoy and what you don’t enjoy, there isn’t a reason to do the things you don’t enjoy. Life is risky. But we can be there with them to keep them from imminent death, to help them figure out situations as they arise.That’s how people learn

Principles work a lot better. If the principle is safety and a child knows mom will help them do what they want, there isn’t a reason to try to sneak to do something risky. When they’re younger, of course,we can’t depend on them understanding the consequences of every choice. Our presence is what’s needed then, not rules and limits as a substitute for our presence.

**originally posted 12/06**

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