Originally written in 2006 – updated in 2011 

Ron & Andrea over at atypicalhomeschool.net are asking unschoolers to answer these questions for the next Carnival of Unschooling. (A carnival is a collection of related blog posts).

Update 2011: The Carnival of Unschooling moved to this blog after a while and was called Unschooling Voices. The carnival has retired but you can read the archives on this site. 

1. Unschooling feels, sounds or appears like a good philosophy to follow, but ________ prevent me (or make me hesitant to) follow through with it.

2. Unschooling my child(ren) has enabled me to see ________

I guess the first question would be directed to those who are just starting out their unschooling journey, still thinking about it or have extreme circumstances where unschooling would not work.

Here’s my answer to question #2.

Unschooling my children is enabling me to see that learning is everywhere. The more they are out of school, the more I see the curiosity and spark in their eyes.

Unschooling my children is enabling me to see that learning is fun and enjoyable. Learning is not filling in a bubble on a test. Learning is not being told to memorize a bunch of facts that they could very easily find, in a matter of minutes, online or in a book.

Unschooling my children is enabling me to see that their interests and passions are valid and important.

Unschooling my children is enabling me to see them…for all they are and all they can become.

Unschooling my children his enabling me to see that life really is for living and exploring and singing and creating and discovering and trying and doing and being.

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Can a unschooler go to college?

Can a schooler go to college? Not all of them do. Not all of them can. Not all of them want to. I think it’s clearer to state that unschooling doesn’t get in the way of kids going to college. If they feel that college is a good way to explore their interests, there isn’t a reason they can’t go.

Is it difficult to learn to sit in a seat, or is one more adaptable when one needs after being allowed the freedom of unschooling?

I think it’s oh so common but oh so sad that people believe not only that we need to train for several years to sit through lectures but that the training is a good thing. I think it’s also sad that people believe that we learn discipline by sitting through things we don’t want to do. And that unless we’re trained through dullness that we won’t ever do something we don’t want to do to get to something we do want to do.

Be aware that you — and 99% of the people in the US — have no experience with people who have always had freedom from the time they were kids. You don’t know how people who’ve always had freedom behave. You only know how people who have been controlled act when given freedom. You only know how people who’ve been left to raise themselves act when given freedom.

It’s a wicked important realization. You can’t project what you know of human behavior onto kids who’ve always known freedom because you only know the behavior of controlled humans.

If you’ve spent 12 years learning that lectures and textbooks are dull and hard, then college looks like 4 more years of the same. If you’ve spent 12 years exploring all sorts of different ways to learn and college is a self-chosen way to continue exploring, then lectures and textbooks are just a part of the package.

My daughter has been taking college courses since she was 12 and hasn’t had any problems with the format. That doesn’t mean that everyone will have the same experience. Given freedom, unschoolers are free to come to the conclusion that lectures and textbooks don’t fit with their style of learning. (Schooled kids just end up thinking they’re dumb.)

I’m concerned my dd will not have the skill nor the aptitude unless she goes back into “school”. Any thoughts?

At 18 she will be different than a schooled kid. She will not have the academic knowledge crammed into her (and often blissfully forgotten!) that schooled kids have. What will help is to get over the idea that schooling is what colleges want or need. It’s what colleges are given to work with. Colleges mostly don’t have a choice. More than kids who’ve been cramming textbooks into their head for 12 years and haven’t had a chance to experience life to figure out what they want to do, colleges like older students who’ve been out in the workforce, who are clearly focused on where they want to go. Unschoolers can be like that. Unschoolers get to explore life and figure out where their skills lie. They go to college because that’s the way they want to explore their interests, not because it’s another hoop to jump through to get to the vague destination called “Success”.

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It’s not enough to leave a child to fend for themselves when it comes to discovering new interests and the world around them. Unschooling parents should look for opportunities to expose their children to to a variety of people, new ideas, the community outside your immediate one and activities that don’t normally come up in your daily life.

If your family life is rich and full, there will be things to do, places to go, projects to tackle, interesting things to discuss. Don’t watch and wait for signs of an interest. Go out and bring them to your child…..to your family.

And when they find interests, support them! Get interested yourself, at least enough to understand what they’re doing so they can discuss it with you.

This is not about money either. Go to the library, free concerts, museums that have free admission, activities in your local parks….there’s tons of stuff if you look for it and are open to new things.

Unschooling is anything by passive and direction-less.

It’s about lighting a fire.

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Instead of putting our focus on whether or not the kids are watching too much tv, we can put our focus on supporting their interests and offering them lots and lots of possible experiences. If their interests include tv-watching, then far from restricting them, instead, I supported that interest.

I did that by enthusiastically watching with them, playing tv-show base games online or as videogames, getting tv-based hands-on games and toys and puzzles, noticing when there might be a “special” on tv they’d want to watch, noticing which shows they really liked and finding all kinds of tie-ins (use Google to look for all kinds of things related to their favorite tv shows), bring up things happening in their favorite shows when you’re having conversations about other things, dress up like the tv show characters for Halloween or just for fun anytime, get books and coloring books and activity books that are related, BUYING whole seasons of their favorite shows, getting cd’s of the music from their shows, getting books based on the shows or on which the shows are based, AND finding creative ways of extending some of the inevitable connections that every show brings up.

Maybe sometimes people really just can’t imagine how to respond to tv in a way more consistent with showing the deep underlying trust in our children on which unschooling is based.

For those restricting tv, maybe just try this as an experiment. Next time you have the urge to make them turn it off, instead, look for a way to support their interest and enrich their lives. A simple and obvious way is to go cuddle up with them and enjoy watching together. Ask questions, get involved. Maybe join them with a cup of cocoa and some cookies. Or get online and look for connections to offer. Choose your time – don’t interrupt, but in between shows you can say, “Oh, look, I found these Sponge Bob coloring pages for you and I brought you some crayons, if you’re interested.” And, talk about the show, “Did you know that the guy who made up SpongeBob is a real marine biologist?” Or, “I wonder why he didn’t make SpongeBob look more like a real sea sponge? I mean, he looks like a kitchen sponge.” (You can buy a piece of sea sponge at a craft store or in paint dept of Home Depot – get some and have fun sponge painting with it.)

Decide to take that moment to SHOW you honor and support their choices. I wish I could get across to parents of younger children how VERY wonderful it will be for you when your kids are teens if you have created that atmosphere of real trust. Don’t you want to end up with teens who live up to that confidence you’ve shown in them? You undermine it every time you show your lack of trust – every time you arbitrarily restrict tv you are telling them, “I don’t trust you to know what’s good for you.”

Instead, start from the beginning saying, “I trust your choices and will support them.” This is not trivial; this is building the relationship you will have in a few years and during a time of life when most parents lose that closeness and honesty and confidence in their own teens. If you restrict tv now, will you try to restrict them from the things they want when they are teens, too? It won’t work and everyone knows it, but parents don’t know what else to do. They act like they can control their teenagers, but that is so obviously not true, teens whose parents are restrictive will often put themselves in much more risky situations than otherwise. Start trusting them now if that is the relationship you hope to have when they are teens. You can’t just manufacture it later, it is built on years of showing trust and confidence and support of their interests.

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Unfortunately, many people that do unschool receive a ton of negative support and criticism. How does one deal with such ridicule? Does this ignorance of the unschooling lifestyle affect your children and their daily communication with others? Can you politely and lovingly devoid yourself from having an uncomfortable oral discussion with a family member or a complete stranger in a shopping market? I believe you can, although it hasn’t always been easy for me or my children.

Recently my oldest daughter insisted that I read the Harry Potter series. Although I still have one book left in the seven book quest, I have found the story line to be challenging, exciting and very well written. I also, and maybe I’m reading into this a little too much, find some similarities with the Hogwarts school, and unschooling. Although Hogwarts is a school of wizadry, it is a place where the children love to learn and are indulging in topics that are of interest to them and their special gifts. The Harry Potter Series is acceptable reading material all over the world, the learning method is not.

So how does one handle the unschooling criticism debate?

I’ll be honest, my youngest daughter Chloe usually doesn’t tell people that she is an unschooler, she simply tells people that she is a homeschooler. She has gotten tired of explaining her philosophy and how she loves to learn about cats, dogs, pigs, chickens, ferrets, rats and the Holocaust. Her interest are her own and she loves learning about each of these topics. My oldest daughter Autumn, soon to be 18, usually does the same thing. Is it really worth it? She  seem to think so, as does Chloe. They are humorously bullied by their uncle, by their cousins, and teased sometimes out in public by complete strangers from not being in school. They both feel that loving themselves and being peaceful people is what is most important when dealing with these situations in the public world. My youngest daughter Chloe will occasionally express her anger to me privately, but we work through it, and usually resolve the problem in a calm conversation. Sometimes.

John Gatto expressed that unfortunately in the public school system, a good student obeys the orders of their instructor to be accepted and to receive a passing grade. A good student does their homework and does not debate with their teachers because their teacher is the smarter person and they know best. This old school method of learning is not humane in my opinion, and I do not agree with people who criticize my family, but I refuse to allow myself to become enraged by society’s ignorance and narrow mindedness.

Lovingly written by Kimberly Sharpe Slage

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I believe that people are born with an innate desire to learn. Look at a baby eager to move, reach, bat a toy, roll over, sit up, babble, crawl, walk, talk etc… They are curious about their world and want to navigate it.

Unschooling isn’t just an educational philosophy, it’s a way of life, it’s living and learning naturally. It’s imperative to  be our children’s partner in life.

I believe that children learn what they need when they need it.

We need to BE with our children, unschooling with young kids is very hands on. As they grow and become more independent they will look up answers themselves. As parents we provide the environment and facilitate as needed. We watch for cues on when to step in and when to step back.

It’s important to build a solid foundation when they are young. We need to connect with our kids and be open to question everything we were raised with. When we know better we do better. Try to say yes more, it can be a knee jerk reaction to just say no.

As our children grow and develop and reach new stages in their life we are right there with them. I have learned so much from observing my children.

When you’re unschooling the early years, kids learn through play… They want to PLAY, PLAY, PLAY, that’s what kids do, that’s how kids learn, they imagine, create, explore, build, research, draw, ask, tell, act, be, do, live, laugh, love, PLAY, did I say PLAY…

When people truly learn, they remember, it has a purpose,  that is why they learned it in the first place. There has to be a want, need and desire to learn, it needs to be intrinsically motivated, external motivation produces short term results but it’s not authentic learning.

Learning is as natural as breathing when one hasn’t been stifled by schooling. It’s especially important for children to be able to learn without force, coercion, scopes, sequences, tests and grades.

Our kids have always followed their own interests and learned in their own way and time. I do not believe that every child can or should learn the same thing at the same age.

Take reading for example, two of our kids read at age five, one at nine and one at ten. I did not teach them how to read, I provided the environment for learning.

Unschooling young children requires you to be available to them, provide resources and materials and answer countless questions.

Play games: board games, cards, video games, computer games, imaginary games. Read books, newspapers, magazines, cook, build, play with toys, explore inside and outside, dress up, create art, watch TV, collect things.

Whatever the child is interested in, allow them to explore it, help them as needed and be amazed at all they learn.

Trust in the learning process, trust your child and trust yourself. They know how to learn, they know how to think. We are here as mentors, facilitators and guides. Talk to them, listen to them, kids are so insightful.

Have fun, laugh a lot and live the best you can. Learning happens, you can’t stop it. Kids are born to learn.

Written by Stephanie Waldron

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“What things have you found yourself explaining to others that unschooling is NOT? What commonly accepted notions does unschooling preclude or expose as nonsense?”

Here are some of the many answers that were posted;

It’s not school.
It’s not school-at-home.
It’s not “unit studies” because it’s not “studies.”
It’s not child neglect.
It’s not child-led curriculum.

It’s not “project-based” learning.
It’s not a method of schooling
It’s not leaving the child to figure out everything on their own.
It’s not required math and reading and “unschooling” everything else.

It’s not a cult.
It’s not a fad.
It’s not hiding your kids from the real world.
It’s not something you *do* Monday-Friday.
It’s not something you take a break from during the summer.
It’s not about curriculum or child-led learning, or unit studies, or expectations.

It’s not about changing my children, it’s about changing me.
It’s not about controlling.
It’s not about expectations.
It’s not living someone else’s idea of life.
It’s not traveling a previosly trodden path.

It’s not conforming to the ways and why’s of what everyone else is doing, how they are living.
It’s living an authentic life according to your own unique Spirit.
It’s not for everybody – meaning those that can’t understand it.
It’s not ‘easy’.
It’s not parents sheltering or controlling kids

It’s not denying children normal experiences
It’s not making learning happen.
It’s not school, but it’s learning.
It’s not easy, but it’s fun.
It’s not about “deciding what’s best” for our kids, but pursuing the best of life *with* our kids.

It’s not designing your children’s life based on your own ideal.
It’s not living by someone else’s standards, values and timetables.
Unschooling is not a twelve-year program that I have completed. It is a way of life. I didn’t merely do unschooling; I was and am an unschooler.
It’s not “making learning fun!”
It isn’t turning every event into a “lesson” – sometimes mud pies are just mud pies.
Unschooling isn’t failing my children.

Note: The conversation also included what unschooling IS and other members sharing their thoughts:

To me unschooling is the FREEDOM to live at PEACE, JOYfully, because you know, “Everything counts.” I love being able to bless my children with that knowledge, by confirming the value of their feelings, their thoughts, their accomplishments… their value of just being.

Unschooling is a child not having to choose to become something or someone . . . he/she already is exactly who they are. In order to do this, the adults in his/her life have to live consciously in order not to make that child feel they are “supposed to” live up to something or “be” a certain way or “do” a certain thing in order to be “acceptable”. It is exploring this world together, and enjoying the discoveries, and honoring how those discoveries shape how you think and feel. It is experiencing life’s opportunities, and sharing insights with each other on how those experiences stretch your understanding in becoming more aware of the divine nature within us all. It is providing opportunities to reach, to learn, to understand, to ponder, to reflect, to grow into the greatness we each possess within ourselves, for ourselves, whatever that may be.

Very powerful, wonderful and amazing to someone like me to finally realize that, as I stand on this threshold, with my children that I am not alone with these thoughts and that I CAN choose this path for my family. Quite a revelation!

Unschooling is expecting the unexpected. i.e. Set out 3-D house puzzles with some mini cars and Marble works all on the same table last night thinking 4yo nephew and 11yo dd would see them and go to town. Caught the 13yo happily playing with the goodies for two hours today! Then bil came in and made a beeline for the mini cars. Thought he was going to make off with a few! Fun, fun, fun.

It’s having respect for each other and It’s retracing ourselves and showing that respect in every action we take.
It’s living a rich and happy life.
It’s hearing your heart and creating your life accordingly!
It’s keeping yourSelf (children and adults) intact and Whole.
Unschooling is authentic.

It’s finding one’s own path
It’s allowing a child’s identity to unfold naturally
It’s about family.
It’s about living in the moment.
It’s about becoming.
It’s about joyful and honest relationships with those around you.
It’s about knowing yourself.
It’s about getting to know your children.

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The confinement of an institution is not learning, it is schooling and does not cater to the needs of a teen, but to the requirements of a system. Unschooling with your teen can be fun, rewarding and stress free!

What about socialization? It’s ironic that our society tends to equate a social life with the public school system. When in actuality a social life is one that is achieved by socializing in the real world. Have we not figured out yet that our children gain such a better understanding of the real life by living in it and not peering out at it from a school window? A parents involvement with their teen is very important for this experience to take place. Either by joining local homeschool groups, science clubs, the local YMCA or by volunteering in community services, your teen has many outlets to acquire a true social life.

Unschooling a teenager requires love, a huge amount of nurturing, and a lot of patience and trust. You, as the parent are there to listen and be a good role model. Through reliable resources, either through your local library or book store, Netflix or other DVD rental place, every topic your teen wants to learn about can be acquired either locally, online, and experienced at home.

Having a friendship and mature relationship with my teen and unschooled daughter Autumn has been one of the most important aspects of living an unschooling life. As a family we have learned to live together with a level of respect for one another. We have an open mouth policy and by this I mean that we can talk about everything and say anything that we feel necessary and know that we are not going to be judged. And yes, I mean anything!

Unschooling teenagers should not be something that stresses a parent or teen to the point of arguing. There are many support groups, homeschooling books, forums and blogs, like this one, that are out there to answer any questions or concerns that you may have regarding your teenager and the unschooling choice. By allowing your teen some personal space, along with a level of trust, the learning experience with your teen can be one filled with good times and great memories. I believe that your teen will one day be thankful for your peaceful guidance, your constant support and your unending love and trust.

Be well.

Written by Kimberly Sharpe Slage
Photo: Kimberly & Autumn

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For many of us that went to school, we learned that “learning” required a time, a place, and a ton of homework. For me it was a negative experience and I loathed the weekly ritual. Our “free-time” was either scheduled, earned, or usually from some form of a reward either for our good behavior or for selling boxes of candy to raise money for the facility. Never a time chosen by ourselves when we wanted this break or rest. Fortunately, both of my children, Autumn and Chloe, are natural- learners. Over the years, they both have taught themselves most of what they know, either from library books, websites, weekly field trips, and living life NOT behind a fence for 35 hours a week. They even have their own ebay business just for kicks. While living side by side with the girls, and by allowing them to pick and choose their activities, my old “schooling ideas” thankfully have become a part of my past.

Being able to seek what is enjoyable for us to learn about is so important. Watching and evolving with my children as an unschooling parent has been such a rewarding and educational experience and continues to be a way of life for myself. By allowing myself to let go of my old institutionalized methods that I attained from attending a private school and a public school, and by having very disciplinary type parents, I have rediscovered that learning is a fun part of life, not a required activity to achieve a grade. While Autumn and Chloe are such different human beings with completely different likes and interest, unschooling has allowed each of them to evolve into such interesting and happy people. Thankfully by researching and learning about deschooling, my participation in this phenomenom called unschooling would never have been attained if I hadn’t deschooled along with my children.

I would like to leave you with one of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite unschooling pioneers. John Taylor Gatto, from “How public education cripples our kids and why.”

“After a long life, and thirty years in the public school trenches, I’ve concluded that genius is as common as dirt. We suppress our genius only because we haven’t yet figured out how to manage a population of educated men and women. The solution, I think, is simple and glorious. Let them manage themselves.”

written by Kimberly Sharpe Slage

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