An Unschooling Life » Mindful Parenting

Trusting Your Child

Joanne — Wed, 07 Sep 2011 05:13:00 +0000

Natural Parenting: Trusting your child
by Ela Forest

It is natural to have fear for our children’s well-being, but there is no reason not to trust children to know their own limits. Everybody knows their limits much better than those around them.

I know exactly how high I can jump, to what shelf I can reach or how big a hammer I can handle, and I don’t put myself in danger. The same goes for children, if we let them.

Learning from the developing nations:

Children in developing nations are usually given tools to help in family chores. Throughout rural Asia I saw small children, even as young as three-years-old, carrying a machete around with them, and participating with their older siblings in chopping bamboo.

Many times when these children observe their elders in an activity, they want to do it too. The children are allowed to watch or to participate in the work as they feel like, and there is never any fear that they might cut themselves on sharp tools.

Self confidence through trust:

Whereas in the west, when a toddler sees her caregiver working around the house and she wants to join in, fearful caregivers often respond by saying, “No, you’re too little, you can’t use a knife,” or “You can’t stir the pot, you’ll burn yourself.” This can gradually undermine the child’s self-confidence and instil fear.

Children who constantly hear the mistrust of “Don’t do that, it’s dangerous!” won’t easily learn how to judge their own limits or how to trust in their own abilities.

So many times I’ve witnessed a child happily climbing up stairs and then the mother rushes over shouting, “Get down from there! You’ll fall!” Sometimes the child readily obliges by falling.

Children whose parents show complete confidence in their children’s abilities will in turn have confidence in their own abilities. They rarely fall, and when they do, they pick themselves up, and start again.

Letting children find their own limits:

I have always let my daughter, Sequoia, find her own limits, even when it means swallowing my fear as she climbs high in the playground. When she takes a knife to help me cut vegetables, I know that she understands that the knife can be sharp. In fact, though Sequoia uses knives almost every day, she has never cut herself, while I manage to cut myself all the time!

It’s okay to remind children to look out for themselves, that the pot is hot, that they need to hold on tight, to stop and look both ways, but it’s important to let them be responsible for themselves. Children who are allowed to find their own limits will know their limits, and they always ask for help when they find themselves reaching those limits.

Teaching boundaries without fear tactics:

Of course children need to have limits and clear boundaries set for them, such as “We don’t run on the road” and “We only cross when the light is green,” but there is no need to teach children these boundaries by using fear tactics.

The three-year-old of one of my clients was told by a well-meaning grandmother that he must always hold hands on the street “or else all the big cars would run him over.”

Overnight he changed from being a confident boy, who knew the “road rules” and was happy to hold his caregiver’s hand when crossing the road into a fearful wreck.

He became afraid of walking outside, even on the footpath. Every time a car passed, he would scream in terror, break away from his caregiver and run blindly, often falling over and hurting himself, and he would then explain that he got his bruises and scrapes from “the big cars that ran me over.”

Responding to falls:

Likewise, there are parents who, when the child falls or bumps herself, rush over crying, “Oh you poor baby, you hurt yourself, let me pick you up!” The child quickly learns to respond accordingly; by being hurt, by crying. Parents often forget to wait a second to see if the child is actually hurt before making a big fuss, and more often than not, children aren’t injured at all in most little falls and tumbles – they pick themselves right up and go on playing.

A caregiver who doesn’t react loudly to every little fall, bruise and bump will actually encourage a child who has fallen down not to cry. And if a child should cry, it is a natural signal of genuine pain or shock and usually all they need is a little comfort and a kiss better.

Letting the child lead:

It is very important to react only to the child’s signals and not to our own fearful responses. It’s easy to know what a child needs because they will let their caregivers know, even if the child isn’t yet talking.

If a child needs a ‘kiss better’ they will whimper and hold out the injured hand or knee, and if she really needs comfort, she will cry. The best way to help a child who is genuinely hurt, or in need of comfort is to hold the child and let her cry. Let her know that you understand that she feels pain, and that it’s okay for her to feel that.

Telling a child, “Stop crying, it doesn’t hurt, it’s just a little bump,” contradicts the child’s feelings, and makes it difficult for children to learn to deal with their feelings. Just follow the child’s natural signals with love and trust them when they show that they do or don’t need help.

Tags: attachment parenting, Mindful Parenting, natural parenting, radical unschooling, Trusting

Meeting Your Child’s Needs

Joanne — Sun, 28 Aug 2011 05:22:42 +0000

Someone shared Jan Hunt‘s gardener metaphor on an unschooling list a while back and I wanted to share it here for anyone who may not have read it. It’s message is meeting your child’s underlying needs with patience and trust.

“Imagine for a moment that you are visiting a plant nursery. You hear a commotion outside, so you investigate. You find a young assistant struggling with a rose bush. He is trying to force open the petals of a rose, and muttering in frustration. You ask him what he is doing, and he explains, “My boss wants all these roses to bloom this week, so
last week I taped all the early ones, and now I’m opening the late ones.”

You protest that every rose has it’s own schedule of blooming; it is absurd to try to slow down or speed this up; it doesn’t matter when roses bloom; a rose will always bloom at its own best time. You look at the rose again, and see that it is wilting. But when you point this out, he replies, “Oh, too bad, it has genetic dysbloomia. I’ll
have to call an expert.”

“No, no!” you say, “you caused the wilting! All you needed to do was meet the flowers’ needs for water and
sunshine, and leave the rest to nature!” You can’t believe this is happening. Why is his boss so unrealistic and uninformed about roses?

Yet children are no different than roses in their development: they are born with the capacity and desire to learn, they learn at different rates, and they learn in different ways. If we can meet their needs, provide a safe, nurturing environment, and keep from interfering with our doubts, anxieties, and arbitrary timetables, then- like roses- they will all bloom at their own best time.”

I believe that the development of empathy, peaceful problem-solving/signaling of needs, and connecting the dots between Action and Impact on others are just as naturally learned as speaking, and that all can be learned according to the child’s timetable, as long as they are learning from that place of nurturing, emphatic connection. The path of learning is, imo, what it means to be human. Imperfect, but ever growing.

Tags: jan hunt, learning, natural parenting, parenting advice, peaceful parenting, philosophy of learning

A Free Child Is A Happy Child

Joanne — Fri, 26 Aug 2011 22:54:37 +0000

“There is, of course, this matter of being afraid to give freedom to young children. I believe they have that within themselves which makes it possible for them to meet the world and life and interpret it more nearly aright than can we. They carry with them that inheritance of faith and imagination undimmed; and that tremendous surging desire to know, to see, to feel and to do, which is rarely betrayed.

In our desire as adults to lay hold of a child’s life, to grip it, mold it to our own values, we do unwittingly a great harm. We confront children with our own fears, our own lack of faith; to safeguard them we attempt to thrust between them and life those many false illusions which we have picked up in our own twisting, turning way.

Children take a far more advantageous highroad.

A free child is a happy child; and there is nothing more lovely.”

— Ruth Sawyer, in her acceptance speech upon winning the Newbery Award for Roller Skates, 1936

Tags: freedom, imagination

Unschooling and Electronics

Joanne — Mon, 08 Aug 2011 22:36:26 +0000

If you limit the time your child can play video games, be on the computer, or watch TV… WHY?

I’m aware of many conventional reasons…er…excuses…. Have you ever really thought about it?
I know that a lot of parents put limits on their children; it’s pretty typical in mainstream families because they rule and control everything. They use it as punishments and rewards.

Many unschoolers that I know of do not put artificial limits on their kids. I believe that if you do that you are greatly reducing their access to valuable resources. I’m not talking about sharing and taking turns, that’s real and something that needs to be worked out.

Our kids have always had freedom to use electronics.

I’ve heard parents say… My kid is addicted and if I let him he will play all day and never do anything else…Do you really believe that? Have you actually tested that false theory? You probably have not. If you let go of the controls for a few days or even weeks I bet they would play every minute they could stand because they didn’t know when it would be taken away. Then you would panic and put the limits back on them again, so both of your fears would come true.
But…Your kids are different….Of course our kids are different, they aren’t controlled.

If you really let go of the reigns I’m sure they would play as much as they could but eventually they would see that you aren’t taking it away from them and they would feel safe in leaving it to do other things.

Our boys have been saving for an XBOX 360 since Christmas. They all put their money in and bought it last month along with several games. At first they played quite a bit but really not as much as I thought they would and they even took turns. Now they only play it once in awhile because they know it’s there whenever they want it.

Now technically they own it. We did not purchase this and have no claim to it. But honestly just because you purchase something for your kids it doesn’t give you the right to limit it and take it away at your whim. We own other game systems that we bought for the kids. We have never taken it away from them.

I really believe that setting up adversarial relationships with our children just causes stress, strife and rebellion. I believe in partnership parenting, parenting with our children, not at them or over them but beside them.

Video games are not evil, they aren’t the enemy, and TV isn’t brain sucking and mind numbing. Some people may use it that way but they weren’t unschoolers raised in a respectful environment. Computers are part of everyday life now. Information is at our fingertips. If you trust children to learn then why would you limit their access to the world?

Lately our youngest son has spent more time on the computer than ever before. He is working on creating video games and it takes time and it involves some frustration as well. After he’s been on awhile he gets up and runs laps through the house to expel the energy that builds up. Even though he is spending a lot of time on there now he does do other things and I believe it’s temporary. As all interests go he is invested in this right now and it’s important to him. I don’t want to take that away from him.

I help him out as needed, I’m here for him answering questions and watching all of the cool things he is creating.
I firmly believe that if these things are limited or used as a reward or punishment then there would be some sort of power given to them. As it is they hold no power and they are just another tool or resource, they are also a form of entertainment and learning.

Written by Stephanie Waldron

Tags: Electronics, freedom, money, video games

Talking To, And About Your Child Respectfully

Joanne — Wed, 27 Jul 2011 02:26:50 +0000

It seems everywhere today, from tv news, to print, and even sit-coms, parents are being offered advice on how to talk to their kids. This advice usually comes with an agenda. How to talk to your kids so they’ll listen to you; so they’ll tell you what they’re up to; so they’ll take you seriously; so you can keep them safe; how to get them to do what you tell them and not do what you tell them not to do; how to get them to be respectful, honest, ambitious, successful, well-behaved and so on.

Growing up, one thing I heard from my Mom, which she reports hearing from her grandfather was “Talk to kids from the moment they’re born, and talk to them like they’re people.” (Which goes far to explain why we’re such a family of talkers.) My Mom did talk to us a lot. Too often, though, her words left us feeling inadequate, misunderstood, sometimes even threatened. She, too, had an agenda. Later I learned her agenda was one of fear; fear that manifested as a requirement that we obey, so she could be sure we’d listen to her as she tried to keep us safe in a world she found dangerous.

I realize now, 26 years into my own journey of talking to my kids, that culturally we are programmed to be afraid as parents. We’re told we need to fear that our kids will have sex in dangerous ways, drink, smoke or use drugs. We’re told to expect that they will lie to us to cover their misdeeds. We’re told those are the things kids do, especially when peer pressure kicks in during the school years, becoming worse once they’re teenagers.

There’s a general expectation that talking to your kids is full of “hard” conversations. When I hear a news story about talking to your kid about drugs or sex or some other scary topic, my first thought is always “Why is it such a hard conversation?” Why is any conversation hard to have with your kids? I think it’s because so much of the parenting advice we hear tells us we need to control our kids, that we are “their parent, not their friend”. How can you as a parent have a true conversation, one in which you hope to impart what matters to you, when you’ve been told you shouldn’t be your child’s friend? Why would a child listen to his parents when he’s afraid of the reaction to his heartfelt words and desires, should he share them with Mom or Dad?

As a mom, I talk about so many things with my kids, and yes some of them might surprise me or be a little uncomfortable initially, but why really should any one topic be more difficult than another? Is it true for everyone, that the same topics are hard to discuss with a child or teen? In some families, it’s hard to talk to your kids about sex, in others it may be smoking, drinking, drug use, responsible driving, healthy eating habits, relationships, dating choices, friends, social behavior. It seems parenting throws at us most of our own personal bugaboos, and often we find that the very topics we may be uncomfortable with are the ones our kids bring to us. I’ve come to view these as learning moments; or maybe they’re just regular reminders that the universe has a sense of humor.

I think part of the difficulty we have in talking with our kids starts in how we talk about our kids. Our larger culture — schools, news stories, grandparents, friends and neighbors — seems intent on pointing out the harder parts of being a parent. Stories of parents who have good relationships with their kids don’t make good fodder for the evening news, so we don’t often hear about them. Quick conversations with neighbors seem more often to be a recitation of the latest woes with the kids; how poorly one is doing in school, the latest argument that baffled the parent, the call from the school reporting of a fight or rule-breaking. I find in casual conversation with other parents, at sporting events, around the neighborhood and the like, that it’s rare anyone says how wonderfully their kids are doing, and when they do, they often follow up with a disclaimer of sorts, as if they’re uncomfortable singing their child’s praises.

Maybe it’s simply that many people are struggling and they want to feel some kinship by sharing war stories. I have to ask, though, does it really serve our kids, or us, to share only our war stories? Would I want to hear Gary sharing a recitation of all the things I’d failed to do right in the past week? How many times I hadn’t folded the laundry, or had lost my temper?

I want my kids to hear me talking about the cool, exciting, happy stuff they’re doing. When others share their woes, I offer some sympathy, then try to find something positive to say about their child, or offer encouragement and ideas that I think might help.

It really does make a difference to talk to and about our kids the same way we’d talk about our friends or partners, to use words that say we love them, we empathize with their struggles, and we know their worth.

Written with love, by Sylvia Toyama

Tags: choices, encouragement, learning, Mindful Parenting, parenting advice, parents, teenagers

50 Ways To Bring Out Your Child’s Best

Joanne — Fri, 06 May 2011 09:01:00 +0000

There’s a lot of good tips in this list, such as #8 (especially the part about involving them), #26 and my favorite #50.

50 Ways to Bring Out Your Child’s Best
Written by Thomas Armstrong, Ph.D.

1. Let your child discover her own interests. Pay attention the activities she chooses. This free-time play can say a lot about where her gifts lie.

2. Expose your child to a broad spectrum of experiences. They may activate latent talents. Don’t assume that he isn’t gifted in an area because he hasn’t shown an interest.

3. Give your child permission to make mistakes. If she has to do things perfectly, she’ll never take the risks necessary to discover and develop a gift.

4. Ask questions. Help your child open up to he wonders of the world by asking intriguing questions: Why is the sky blue? Find the answers together.

5. Plan special family projects. Shared creativity can awaken and develop new talents.

6. Don’t pressure your child to learn. If children are sent to special lessons every day in the hope of developing their gifts, they may become too stressed or exhausted to shine. Encourage, but don’t push.

7. Have high expectations. But make them realistic.

8. Share your work life. Expose your child to images of success by taking him to work. Let him see you engaged in meaningful activities and allow him to become involved.

9. Provide a sensory-rich environment. Have materials around the home that will stimulate the senses: finger paints, percussion instruments, and puppets.

10. Keep your own passion for learning alive. Your child will be influenced by your example.

11. Don’t limit your child with labels. They may saddle her with a reputation that doesn’t match her inner gifts.

12. Play games together as a family.

13. Have a regular family time for reading, listening to music, talking.

14. Have reference materials available to give your child access to the world.

15. Allow your child to participate in community activities that interest her.

16. Use humor, jokes, silly stories to encourage creativity.

17. Don’t criticize or judge the things your child does. He may give up on his talents if he feels evaluated.

18. Play with your child to show your own sense of playfulness.

19. Share your successes as a family. Talk about good things that happened during the day to enhance self-esteem.

20. Provide your child with access to a home, school or public library computer.

21. Listen to your child. The things he cares about most may provide clues to his special talents.

22. Give your child a special space at home to be creative.

23. Praise your child’s sense of responsibility at home when she completes assigned chores.

24. Visit new places as a family.

25. Give your child open-ended playthings. Toys like blocks and puppets encourage imaginative play.

26. Give your child unstructured time to simply daydream and wonder.

27. Share inspirational stories of people who succeeded in life.

28. Don’t bribe your child with rewards. Using incentives to get children to perform sends a message that learning is not rewarding in its own right

29. Suggest that your child join peer groups that focus on her gifts.

30. Discuss the news to spark interests.

31. Discourage gender bias. Expose your child to both feminine and masculine toys and activities.

32. Avoid comparing your child to others. Help your child compare himself to his own past performance.

33. Be an authoritative parent.

34. Use community events and institutions to activate interests. Take trips to the library, museums, concerts, plays.

35. Give presents that nourish your child’s strengths.

36. Encourage your child to think about her future. Support her visions without directing her into any specific field.

37. Introduce your child to interesting and capable people.

38. Think of your home as a learning place. The kitchen is great for teaching math and science through cooking.

39. Share feelings. A child’s gifts can be stifled by repressed emotions.

40. Encourage your child to read.

41. Honor your child’s creations.

42. Do things with your child in his areas of interest.

43. Teach your child to trust her intuition and believe in her capabilities.

44. Give your child choices. It builds willpower and fuels initiative.

45. Show your child how to use books to further an interest. For example, “how to” books for the “hands-on” learner.

46. Set aside an area of the house for displaying creations and awards.

47. Encourage your child to tackle areas that are difficult for him. Help him learn to confront any limitations.

48. Be a liaison between your child’s special talents and the real world. Help her find outlets for her talents.

49. Introduce children’s literature that honors and develops gifts. Books like the Little Engine That could encourage a “can do” attitude.

50. Accept your child as he or she is.

Originally posted 1/2009

Tags: choices, chores, creativity, freedom, inspiration, labels, learner, learning, math, Mindful Parenting, music, reading, rewards, science

If I Had My Child To Raise Over Again

Joanne — Fri, 15 Apr 2011 01:40:46 +0000

If I had my child to raise over again,
I’d finger paint more, and point the finger less.
I’d do less correcting, and more connecting.
I’d take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes.
I would care to know less, and know to care more.
I’d take more hikes and fly more kites.
I’d stop playing serious, and seriously play.
I’d run through more fields, and gaze at more stars.
I’d do more hugging, and less tugging.
I would be firm less often, and affirm much more.
I’d build self-esteem first, and the house later.
I’d teach less about the love of power,
And more about the power of love.

From the book “100 Ways to Build Self-Esteem & Teach Values” by Diana Loomans. Click below to purchase through amazon.

Tags: attachment parenting, letting go of control, Mindful Parenting, parenting quotes, peaceful coexistence, self esteem

Spiritual Parenting

Joanne — Wed, 24 Feb 2010 09:06:00 +0000

I really enjoy the Spiritual Parenting newsletter by Mimi Doe and have been receiving it for quite some time. The title of the current one is ‘The Love That Listens”. Some of the highlights for me are:

ASK… LISTEN… AND LISTEN DEEPER

ASK….
Ask your child to make a list of all the things she wants to know more about. You may be very surprised. Follow through on this information and provider her with materials, books, teachers if appropriate, and opportunities to explore her interests. Encouraging your child’s natural inquisitiveness about all things nourishes her soul.

LISTEN…
Often a child will talk to a neighbor or friend instead of directly to you. Are there enough of these removed listeners in your child’s life? Can you be a receiving adult for a child other than your own?

LISTEN DEEPER…
Perhaps you are open and available to listen to your child but feel there is more that you need to know. Try talking directly to your child’s soul, guardian angel, or spirit. Get quiet and mentally ask if there is something you need to be aware of. You can ask for a picture or message that will help you parent in a deeper way. Listen to the thoughts that come.

PARENTS’ INSIGHT-BUILDING EXERCISE

Think of a time when you were heard as a child.

- Who listened?
- How did it feel to be heard?
- What did you say that was acknowledged?
- How does that experience live with you today?

Now think back to a time when you were there to listen to your child.

- What was that like?
- Why were you available to listen? Had you made time? Was your child demanding you stop and listen?
- What did you hear?
- How did your child react when you listened?

Ask for guidance this week on how to best hear your children’s needs. Ask for divine insight into ways you can help give your child’s feelings a voice.

Now let go and remain open to receiving insight and guidance. Listen to the subtle ways your inner wisdom is revealed.

Trust your ideas and insights; YOU are wise.

*Mimi Doe is the founder of Spiritual Parenting.com and the award-winning author of “Nurturing Your Teenager’s Soul”, “Busy But Balanced”, “10 Principles for Spiritual Parenting”, and co-author of “Don’t’ Worry Get In”. Mimi’s free newsletter, Spiritual Parenting, has more than 30m000 subscribers from around the world. Sign up on the website: www.SpiritualParenting.com.

Tags: Children, guidance, joy, life, Mindful Parenting, parents, spiritual parenting

Taking Children Seriously

Joanne — Sun, 14 Feb 2010 04:31:00 +0000

THE DAILY GROOVE ~ by Scott Noelle
:: Taking Children Seriously ::
We live in a society that doesn’t take children seriously. Sure, we care deeply about children’s welfare; we do our best to help them to grow into healthy, successful adults.

But we, as a society, rarely take children seriously the way they take *themselves* seriously. To children, *play* is serious business — channeling enormous creative energies and making huge discoveries. But to adult society, it’s “just” play, so interrupting or limiting it is not a big deal.

To children, *feelings* are extremely important, not “just” feelings.

If you want to take your child more seriously, don’t do it the conventional adult way, which is to assign *weight* to the child’s concerns. That only teaches heaviness.

Children take *lightness* seriously. And when you take their lightness seriously, *you* benefit by learning to take yourself *less* seriously!

http://dailygroove.net/seriously Feel free to forward this message to your friends!
(Please include this paragraph and everything above.)
Copyright (c) 2007 by Scott Noelle

Tags: Children, learning, Mindful Parenting, natural parenting, parents, Scott Noelle

The Unprocessed Child: Living Without School

Joanne — Sat, 09 Jan 2010 21:25:56 +0000

The Unprocessed Child is a work of nonfiction about a child raised with no coercion and no curriculum. Laurie Chancey spent her childhood immersing herself in topics of her own choosing. She was never forced to learn something simply because tradition and/or society said it was necessary. No one was looking over her shoulder to make sure she was learning the “proper” subjects.

Having never seen a textbook or taken a test, never used workbooks or any type of teaching techniques, Laurie scored in the top 10% of the state of Louisiana on her college entrance exam. She enrolled in college when she was eighteen, and graduated summa cum laude three and a half years later. Laurie is a bright adult, but her IQ is not why she did so well. She spent her life learning to learn and it’s something that now comes easily to her.

The Unprocessed Child was written by her mother Valerie Fitzenreiter, and is full of examples of raising a child with respect and dignity. It is the first book written about a radically unschooled child who has now reached adulthood and is a responsible member of society.

Questions about the radical unschooling lifestyle are answered on topics ranging from socialization, parental responsibility, self-discipline, chores, bedtimes and much more. The book shows that it is not only possible to befriend your child, but that it is highly preferable to the struggles that so many parents go through with their children. It proves that school is not necessary for learning, socializing or motivation.

Click to purchase

Tags: Children, chores, coercion, college, Laurie Chancey, learning, parents, socialization, unschool, unschooling, Valerie Fitzenreiter

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